How Memory Biases Are Fueling Your Social Anxiety

A few months ago, my wife and I met up with one of her old friends at a restaurant in London. Her friend had brought along another person we hadn’t met before, and my mild social anxiety meant I was suddenly conscious of wanting to make a good impression among unfamiliar people.

The expeditious serving staff had already placed glasses of water at our table as we sat down. I said hello to my wife’s friend, which went smoothly enough. Then I reached over to shake hands with the other person, but as my arm moved leftward, it knocked over the full glass of water in front of her.

In my head, this is one of those memories that replays in slow motion: the shocked look in her eyes as she notices what’s happening, my gasp at hearing glass hit the table, everyone wondering why water is splashing around between us, all of us grabbing for napkins while watching tap water cascade into her lap from the table.

I remember this as a fairly horrifying event that still haunts me occasionally. However, although we like to think of our memories as high-fidelity recordings of an event, they’re more like emotionally biased stories that change with time. I haven’t spoken to that acquaintance again since that fateful day, but it’s possible she’s never given the event a second thought.